となりの雑談 EP.193「察するが生み出すもの」

This summer was easier than last year

At the top of the show, the two hosts look back on how their bodies held up this summer. Last year's brutal heat had them bracing hard this time around, stocking up on sun gear and the like, but in the end conditions were mild enough that most of it went unused. Saku-chan says she rarely felt wiped out or run down this year, and even had the energy to go watch a basketball game in person at the venue. Still, she notes that while her drive to go out and do things has held steady, she can feel her memory and mental "capacity" weakening year by year. Jane Su responds that in her own case, she's been covering for that decline with sheer physical stamina.

Her father's stroke, caught early inside a hospital

Saku-chan then describes the time her father had a stroke inside a hospital. While waiting for a checkup, he was eating at a restaurant when his right arm and leg suddenly stopped moving; she immediately said something seemed wrong, and he was examined on the spot. Treatment began just 30 minutes after onset, he regained full movement within 3 hours, and he was discharged after only 10 days in the hospital. Given that he's 88, the two note there may have been small unnoticed episodes before this one, but agree that overall, he was simply lucky.

Realizing that "sensing what others need" becomes a weapon in caregiving

The talk shifts to a discomfort Saku-chan has felt while caring for her father, a role she's held since he was around 80. She says she noticed that qualities often praised as feminine virtues — sensing what's needed, anticipating problems, providing careful, attentive care — turn out to be extremely useful for running a caregiving "project." Being able to keep things moving behind the scenes without asserting her own ego earns her recognition as the unsung backbone of the effort, but she also feels conflicted, since she believes this trait is something she only developed because she's a woman.

The distortion created by a family member who expects others to just "sense" it

Saku-chan describes her father as the type who never explains himself or fills in the gaps, because the people around him always anticipate and take care of everything for him. Looking at the relationships around her mother and father, she points out a pattern: only the people skilled at sensing what he needs stick around, while people who get irritated at the first sign of trouble are conveniently surrounded by others willing to accommodate them. The two hosts connect this to the household dynamic sometimes called "kakaa-denka" (wife-dominated household), noting that the same anticipatory skill that gets rewarded at work only ends up spoiling people in family and friend relationships.

Choosing to stop "sensing" for someone

Saku-chan recalls that when she wrote a book about caregiving, she offered the analogy of treating a difficult family member the way you'd humor a temperamental big-name artist to make things easier on yourself. But in practice, she says, unless you tell the person early on that you're going to stop "sensing" what they need, they'll never own their own shortcomings and will keep leaving everything to the people around them. She admits it's difficult to say this to her father now that he's 88, and wishes she'd recognized it earlier, while the relationship was still new. She closes by saying that anyone who feels their partner or friend is being selfish might want to consider whether they themselves have been enabling that person's expectation to be "sensed for."